In speaking with leaders on their most common challenges, I often hear about the need to have conversations with staff that no one wants to have. Some examples of these conversations include:
- Feedback on poor performance
- Confronting unacceptable behaviour
- Challenging a colleague or customer
- Holding others accountable for their results
- Sharing an unpopular decision
- Acknowledging a mistake before it comes to light
To effectively manage conflict, or anything you find hard to talk about, a leader needs to transition the difficult conversation to a learning conversation, that is, away from wanting to “win”, to a more collaborative approach. It’s about understanding what has happened from the other person’s point of view, explaining your point of view, sharing and understanding emotions, and then working together to manage the situation going forward.
Three Conversations
In their work Difficult Conversations, Stone, Patton and Heen state that any heated exchange is really three conversations.
1. The “What Happened” Conversation
Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. Who said what and who did what? Who’s right and who’s to blame?
Here’s the thing: you are not right. I know, you can’t believe it.
The point is that difficult conversations are not about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values. They are not about what a contract states, they are about what a contract means. Once we move away from figuring out what is true, we shift our purpose from proving we are right to understanding perceptions, interpretations and values of both sides.
The second part of the “What Happened?” conversation is about intention. Did you raise your voice to hurt my feelings or to emphasize your point? Did you throw my cigarettes away because you are trying to control me or to help me live up to my commitment to quit? What I think about your intentions will affect how I think about you, and ultimately how our exchange will go.
2. The Feelings Conversation
Difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their core about feelings. Consider some of your own difficult exchanges. What emotions are set off? Hurt or anger? Disappointment, shame, or confusion? Do you feel treated unfairly or without respect? For some of us, even saying “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” can feel risky.
In the short term, engaging in difficult conversation without talking about feelings may save you time and reduce your anxiety. But if feelings are the issue, what have you accomplished if you don’t address them?
Understanding, talking about and managing feelings are among the greatest challenges of being human. It may not seem like it, but talking about feelings is a skill that can be learned.
3. The Identity Conversation
Of the three conversations, this one may be the most subtle and challenging. Awareness of this conversation, however, offers significant leverage in managing our anxiety and improving our skills in the other two conversations.
The Identity Conversation looks inward: what I am saying to myself about me. How does what happened affect my image of myself? What impact might it have on my reputation if I am wrong?
Let’s take a typical example of meeting with your boss on your performance appraisal and merit increase. How does your identity factor in here?
What if your merit increase gets turned down? In fact, what if your boss gives you several performance-based reasons for turning you down? What will that do to your self-mage as a competent and respected employee? Ostensibly the conversation is about development, and yet underneath performance review is what your boss really thinks of you. Being aware that your self-image is in play will help you to avoid panic, turning a source of anxiety into a source of awareness.
Handling difficult conversations requires gaining comfort with these three conversations so as to reduce defensiveness and keep the discussion on a constructive track regardless of how the other person responds.
Once you understand the challenges inherent in the Three Conversations and common mistakes we make in each, you are likely to find that your purpose for having particular conversations begins to shift. You will appreciate the complexity of the perceptions and intentions involved, the central role of emotions, and what’s at stake for each person’s self-esteem and identity. The sole intent of delivering your message doesn’t make sense anymore. In fact, you may find that you no longer have a message to deliver at all, but rather some information to share and some questions to ask.
Karen Brill coaches leaders at Responsive Management Inc. Please don’t hesitate to contact her at karen.brill@rogers
About Karen Brill
An insightful article that most can relate to, I'm sure! The book "Crucial Conversations" by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzer provides more insight into this topic. It gives great examples, explanations – all easy to follow! I recommend it highly.
Thanks Laurie and thanks for the book tip! We are looking for book reviewers for the 2012 issue of Dialogue Plus Magazine. If you would like to write one on this book please drop us a line at editor@dialogueplus.ca