If you’re a retirement industry professional, you’ve likely encountered at least one of the dreaded family triangles waiting just outside your office. Their hypothesis is that you have all the answers; they can lure you so deeply into their family dynamics that they slip out unscathed – leaving you skewered.
Why do families act this way? Is it deliberate? Probably not – when families want the best for their loved ones, they will do whatever seems necessary to ensure it. Is it inevitable? Not at all. What most families need is to understand their motivation, clarify their wishes, and know that you’ll be a partner in their parent’s well-being.

But beware emerging Triangles: “I think you should tell Mom this respite stay will be permanent.” An adult daughter appoints you to relay the message to her reluctant mom that no, she’s not going home – she’ll be making a permanent move to your retirement residence.

Your first step is to remove yourself firmly from this triangle and get mother and daughter communicating. Concentrate first on the mother; assess her frame of mind, probe gently, answer her questions, support her concerns and validate her decision, whatever it may be. Spend time with the daughter, learning about her motivations and fears. You won’t resolve the patterns of a lifetime, but you’ll get valuable insight into their dynamic.

Schedule a time for mother and daughter to meet with you, when the mother is feeling strong enough to “own” her decision and the daughter has consolidated her thoughts. At the session, invite the mother to clearly state her decision, with your full support to help implement it, whether it’s the keys to her new suite or community-care information to support her at home. Help both mother and daughter share their feelings in a safe environment so that they can both move ahead.

But triangles aren’t the only geometric figures that should raise alarms. Recognize the Rectangle: “We’ve spoken to your nurse, and have decided to bring in our own expert.” This is an uneasy foursome: you, the family, your director of care and an outside consultant bent on making some big changes, stat.

Defuse and disarm by carefully listening to all parties. Break down complex issues until everyone understands; address and correct any misapprehensions. But that’s the easy part. The real work in any service-quality issue is the recovery: what shall we do going forward? Before jumping in with your own ideas, take the time to listen to the consultant’s recommendations and incorporate them into your action plan. You just might learn something, and the solution will benefit from best practices.

And don’t forget the Pentagram: “Can you move Mom to this dinner table instead?” Here’s the reason they call this the “Satanic Star”: three huffy ladies, their elected member’s adult daughter — and you.

Without committing to anything, listen to both sides to uncover what’s really going on here. Sift through any gossip, don’t express an opinion, and avoid making promises. Thank the adult daughter, reassure her of your concern for her mom’s best interests, and politely stress that this is a residence matter. As part of your daily schmoozing, swing by both tables at a few mealtimes; subtly get any feedback from the dining room staff and generally take the temperature of the issue. Dispense a dose of the “tincture of time”; the clique may cool off in a week or two.

The geometric term may be Sexangle, but for our purposes it’s more of a Sextangle: “Their dad’s romancing our mom. That’s disgusting.” A mixed set of outraged adult children, one would-be couple, both 80 plus, and you; what’s a better example of a sextangle?

Keep it low-key. Chat with both parties in your care; ask pretty direct questions. Facial expressions, body language and eye contact, plus your knowledge of their cognition, will establish if it’s a consensual courtship or not. If the romance is not welcome, immediately curb it and monitor the situation. Of course, in the case of dementia, protection of an incompetent person is paramount. However, if the relationship is positive to both parties, encourage the families to be accepting and to maintain good communication so that everyone can share the couple’s happiness.

Look out, it’s a Septangle: “Now that Dad’s gone, can’t we spend less money on his wife?” Arrange two recently bereaved adult sons with big plans for their inheritance. At 180 degrees, place the disabled, newly widowed stepmother and her adult children. In the centre, position your director of care, then sit down yourself and take a deep breath.

This is the ideal juncture to revisit and revise accommodation, care, support and general expectations for the new widow. While it’s tempting to immediately get into the math, work first to understand motivations and seek common interests. What care is required? What size of suite is now needed? Can CCAC or shared care be involved? What provisions did Dad make for his widow? And what other resources are available?
Focus on the objectives and assign them a range of scenarios and associated costs. Schedule a subsequent meeting to allow all parties to digest the information, and be better prepared to negotiate from a position of knowledge and confidence.

The Octangle kicks it up a notch: “That’s not what the other lady told us. ”Don’t look now but there’s a ghost in this meeting: your predecessor. Plus two live-and-kicking adult children, a financial planner brandishing statements, your administrator, two very confused residents and you.

Your task here is to support your predecessor but shift the focus towards needs and expectations. As always, listen carefully to all parties, starting with the residents. Once again, delay the financial discussion to uncover the gaps between experience and anticipation – and they aren’t always financial matters. Dissatisfactions in our industry are often service-based, intangible and emotional, so listen respectfully to complaints and incidents with a view to learning and correcting. Work together to devise an action plan with measurable and meaningful goals. And above all, don’t overlook the impact of a sincere apology.